Millions of Stars(he is my shinning star)

          When I was writing this it was originally for a class report.  I wanted to kind of steer away from dad and the kids because i  always write about them.  I really did try but some how it turned to him, I got through my reading but had to leave because the wife part really hit me hard!  After that all i wanted to do was go home and sleep.  This really hit home and showed me that i really lost my dad, no matter if he showed he cared or not. I have plenty of people to tell me he did :)



There are millions of stars in the sky
I see them all as I pass by,
all shinning really bright.
But you, you seem to light the night.
Protecting as I live life,
still wishing you would see me become a wife!
Love from far and near
After I lost you, I went through my biggest fear

Soon after I stopped crying
Still if I say, "I am fine."
I would be lying
All I can do is say a final goodbye, this is my last line

Just a Dream

Blue skies, wild flowers
running through an open field
clear as can be.............UNTILL
 I see him, were running
all things go blurring, i can't see
 it all goes dark....
I am alone and all of a sudden i hear..
*music playing*"I was thinkin about her, thinkin about me.Thinkin about us, what we gonna be? Open my eyes, yeah; it was only.. just a dream "
 so i get up and keep going because
 it was all just a beautiful dream..
..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6O2ncUKvlg

Untitled for now

There is so much on my mind
I can't find the time
too much to share
not enough trust
in the heart
one big tear
if i let more in
 i feel i will combust
they are always in my heart, just the largest part
who can i tell
who can i trust
 only thing i know
is how to scream and YELL!

Mistakes

One mistake, thats all it takes
losing everything
One second to make a descion
I'd go back to having it all
instead I'm here with this heartbreak
once constant reminder
that Ring
sometimes the pains so bad
its like a collsion
that one painful call
he could of handled this better, coulda been kinder
then I'm at the point, taken all I can from what I have had
but i look down and see
that Ring

I am a special women in God's eyes.

I am the love in a guy when he sees the beautiful love of his life.
I am the sadnessafter losing a lvoed one.
I am that great buzz you get on your way to the party.
I am the excitment of the football players as they bust through the big paper sign on the night of homecoming.
I am the firmiliar smell of father's cologne that sends his little girl to peaceful dreams
I am the beautiful scene of rain on the lake at dusk on a warm fall night
I am the soft country song for the perfect father-daughter dance
I am the smile on my niece's face when she realizes she is beautiful
I am the comforting hand of hope for the broken hearted best friend.
I am the delcious smell of hamburger and soft creamy potatoes in Shepard's Pie
I am the family's jokes and smiles as we walk down the beach
I am the boiling teapot about bubble over while making the amazing southern sweet tea
I am the love between a father and his little girl.
I am the joyous time when everyone is gathered around at Christmas smiling and laughing
I AM ME THATS ALL I CAN BE

Imagery Poem

The sad flowing tears like rivers speaking of better days.
The family like a loving heart holding together.
The soft mumbled talking like buzzing bees with bad news.
The slowly moving machines like a humming fly.
The cleaning sterile alcohol fighting germs like warriors.
The killing cigarettes like murderers with a gun.
The yucky food like bland crackers trying to comfort me.
The sweet Pepsi like the sweetest reminder of him telling me to sleep.
His lifeless hand like a pillow lying limp on mine.
His slowly  beating heart like the last beat of a warrior who lost the fight.

My brothers crash

As we sit in the frozen metal seat seats
Zoom Zoom, the cars go vroom
It blows the hair from your face
Then it all stops. A large booming halt

The one car is flipped
Red & yellow ablaze, fire spitting
Red & whte lights flashing, rushing.
The look of pure sadness as th girl watches 
her big brother get rushed to the ambulance.

The burning of icky rubber
as fire melts it all
in the chaos
the perfect angel sleeps
while her father isr ushed the hospital.

Aunts Creed

They make me cry when they are sad
they make laugh with the way they talk
they make me fall when they leave their toys out
they make me hurt when they are far away
they make me lose sleep when they have nightmares
they make me smile all the time
they make me have a reason to live
they make learn to love
they make realize how much i have
they make me a better person
they make me understand how to appreciate everything
they make me be glad and proud to be an aunt

Summer feelings

     The days grow longer, the days are warmer. Everyone is preparing for summer. Some dreading the hot days, others roaring to go to the beach and pools. Me , I am stuck in the middle. Summer is now not a good memory....I am picking up the pieces of my heart trying to move forward with some parts, trying to get back some other things. Everything is so crazy. I don't know who to love, who to trust, who to explain myself to. Don't know how i am suppose to mature when i can barely act like a kid as it is. These summer days are beautiful and i cant wait for them to happen more. Part of me wants to stay winter , if only in spirit. Everyone tells me this is how i should be , but do they know how i am really suppose to be.I would love nothing more then to be back at dad's, with them. Playing in the front(and back) yard. Summers there were the best, for a day,if only for a while,, I was my daddy's little girl. I could do whatever i wanted ...... this summer i plan to have no regrets do whatever i want whenever i want. Not worry about the consequences because i only live once and i might as well end up at the gates of heaven saying"that was a lot of fun" as opposed to "man i wish.....". I am also very worried that my summer will end up being the same as last year. End a relationship, get back in it, lose a parent, get a broken heart, lose family and GO CRAZY! I am so scared that history, GOD FORBID, is repeating itself. I'm questioning my relationship and Mom is dad's age now. I'm not loving this whole thinking thing it makes me sick! When i think , i over think and make assumptions. Then i lose it, maybe one day someone will just render me senseless and i wouldn't have to think anymore. I miss being little and the biggest decision was weither or not to use the blue crayon or the purple one! Who knows how this summer is gonna go......*cross fingers* it will be great.! ............... yeah ha !

Letting Go

              If you could let go of one thing what would if be?  Would it be a person you don't like?  or would it be someone you love? ( Could you do it , if you really had to?)  What happens when all you know changes... when your world stops and crashed to little pieces?  Would you be able to let it go?  When time is suppose to heal the hurt, but all it does is confuse you, what do you do?  You think you know but when you actually think... it just can't be true.  Nothing adds up, like its just a dream...  a horrible nightmare that you can't shake.  A nightmare you live over and over  again.  Just waiting to wake up ..wanting to let go, but you can't.  When bad things happen and little good things happen because of the bad.. do you let it all go?  When you see his or her face does time stop?  Could you stay in that moment forever?  Can you let go of all you know just to keep that moment forever?  Could you possibly not want to move forward and just go back.  Maybe tell yourself " you shouldn't do this" or maybe "you need to do this more"?  If I could go back I'd change it ALL!  Letting go is a virtue God has to grant.  You can't go back, you can only go forward.  So take chances, love always, never miss a chance to smile or say " i love you".  Why try to fix the mistakes of yesterday and miss today?  What is the point of living if you are just going to worry over everything you have done or you are going to do.
 Let it go, all pain of yesterday isn't always here today :)